DAME OPHELIA MOUNTSHAFT, COMPANION OF THE GARTER
by Tom Leonard
Inspired by Jim Liddle
She's ever so important
She mixes with the princelings,
queen mothers, and visiting Heads of State.
She charges five hundred guineas a time
For her speeches at soirees,
And always makes an eloquent joke.
Stands for trans rights.
Sits for portraits.
Claps for carers;
Goes out with her handbell in full matron's uniform
On haunted Broughton Street, as far as the Ox.
Sings 'We shall overcome' like Pete Seger.
She's descended from the marmaids of Saint Senera
Who thrive on the Isle of May
And when she swims down the Firth,
The manatees come out to prey,
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