Chapter 7: To Fresh Pastures
7.1. The Ascension Chapel
After taking a circuitous route around the Mu-Sun, Katrina seemed to take ages to
to travel to the Kappa solar system, and President Drew Rainbow lost count of the
days. She spent much of the time in the suite in the Palace of the Immortals
which she shared with her three spouses, the angelic Angatums Sall and Crisp,
and on occasion with her lover Chi Kit.
Both Chi and Crisp enjoyed cheating at chess using sonic beads from Planet
Magnus to transmit information to their brains about best possible moves. Chi
usually cheated better than Crisp, and was once informed well enough to
announce mate in twenty-seven. Meanwhile, Drew played Naughty-Naughty
Patience with Sall, a most absorbing card game.
Drew, Sall and Crisp liked taking the omni-tube to the Hanging Gardens of Id,
to visit the Angatum refugees who were camping on the upper tiers of the Ninth
Wonder of the Universes. One Tenth-Day morning, several of the refugees invited
the co president and her companions to accompany them down to the Ascension
Chapel, where the talking animals were celebrating High Mass prior to their
political discussions that afternoon in the gardens. Crisp had forgotten to
remove his beads following a late night chess game with Chi, which Chi lost by
forced checkmate on Queen's Rook Eight , but that added to Crisp's feelings of
pleasure as he entered the chapel.
"Angatums are very welcome here," declared Kim Catworthy, with a probing,
puma-like sniff. "Why don't you sit with the winged unicorns near the altar?"
The congregation rose and applauded as their co-president Drew walked down
the aisle. Then the unicorns hugged and embraced the Angatums, and invited
them to sit down amongst them. The minister, an elderly Zebrid from the fourth
moon of Planet Athanasius, led the hymn singing and presented a homily about
the Holy Trinity, and his Saviour's, the Holy Zebrid's, last supper before his
Ascension to Heaven.
Another minister, a middle-aged winged unicorn from Planet Centaur, took over
during Holy Communion, and Sall and Crisp helped to hand out the bread and
the wine. Then, during the eating of the bread, the Holy Zebrid appeared
above the altar in golden and white striped manifestation, only to be joined by
the silver-skinned Holy Unicorn in full substantiation, her wings spread out
wide as the Messiah of the entire universe.
"There are many ways to God," declared the minister from Centaur, "but she will
herself remain forever mysterious. To attempt to subdivide her is in itself
blasphemous."
The Trinitarian minister looked startled at that, but didn't say a thing.
7.2 Crisp is Arrested
"I find it difficult to believe that Ophelia is anything more than either a deception
or a delusion," said Drew, as they were leaving, and Sall and Crisp murmured
their agreement. When the minister from Centaur gave the angelic Angatums
small gifts, their day seemed made. But they were walking down the chapel steps
when they were approached by two Eaglids wearing green berets, black vampire
coats, and golden gloves.
The Eaglid with the straight beak flashed his K.M.P. (Katrinian Mind Police) card.
"Excuse me, Madam President, Ma'am," she interrupted, with a slight touch of
sarcasm. "We're here to take the crass alien who calls herself Crispus to the
Mind Control Centre for questioning on a matter of interstellar importance."
"Why don't you question her in the palace?" Drew tersely replied.
The police officer licked his crustaceous lips. "Because it's standard practice to
inject undesirable aliens full of truth serum, Ma'am, and this creep's certainly
undesirable."
"I've not done nothing!" howled Crisp. "Please don't let them. They'll jag my
lovely flesh with scopolamine!"
"Spot on!" reacted the Eaglid with the deformed beak, with a grin.
Chief Superintendent Kim Catworthy came running out of the chapel. "Stop right
there!" she ordered, producing her Special Police ID. "You have no right to take
anybody in without a duly authorized warrant."
"Sure we have a right," drawled the one with the straight beak. "We're from the
Golden Guanto security cell, and we're allowed to screw anybody over."
When they hauled Crisp into the Mind Control Centre, the Eaglids nailed her
outstretched wings to the much-dreaded, hornet-infested brick wall. Then a po-
faced military officer came in, followed by a rat-like psychiatric nurse holding two
huge syringes in her paws, both with glistening, six inch needles.
The dour Novogrian scratched a purple hole in Crassus's flesh, and rammed in the
first needle. "It's time to squeal, alien space cadet. You're here because we've
heard some tittle tattle among the talking beasties about you and President
Rainbow."
"No, no, noooooooo...yowwww!" wailed Crisp, vibrating from the shock.
"They heard from a tiny festoonette in the bed linen that you were licking her
sweat."
"No I didn't. Take your claws away!"
"Ophelia wept!. You could have snuffed our co-president."
"Take that fucking needle out!" howled Crisp. "I only gave her a little kiss."
The second needle dug so deep into the flesh that it splintered Crisp's left femur.
"Way to go!" howled the Novogrian, the blood spurting down Crisp's thigh.
"I think that you discovered President Drew's nasty secret while you were in sixty-
nine. We'll know soon enough. The scopolamine is already dissolving your
septic biofluids. So I'm just going to sit back and listen while you tell me the
whole lurid story."
The Eaglid with the straight beak produced a needle carved from a whale's
tooth. "Two thousand grams of benzilate for good measure, General?" he
inquired.
"That should loosen her tongue." replied the terse Novogrian. "Try to take a
chunk out of her girdle."
"I know how to do that, General. It's used to cosh the senile crazies in the Dread
solar system before they suffocate them with pillows."
"Yowwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" wailed Crisp.
The needle pierced Crisp's bone and the flesh beyond, her legs turned to jelly.
the drugs went straight to her head, and she struggled hard and long to
remain silent. But then she went delirious and started to spew nonsense,
and when the rodentine nurse did something really mean, Crisp found herself
revealing the full, shocking, details of Drew's long hidden secret.
The general looked perturbed and most disturbed. "I'd never have guessed
that!! The paternity of any of the co-president's children is clearly open to doubt."
"There's oodles of time left for a totally manic Phase 2, General," advised the
Eaglid with the deformed beak. "Why don't you recover from the stress by
kicking the stupid creature senseless? Then I'll throw her out into the sewerage
in the Draughty Wynd."
The general opened his tool kit, and pulled out a spanner. "Her frontal lobes could
be packed with state secrets," he replied. "Let's extract her wisdom teeth first."
7.3. The Co-Presidents Beg to Differ
Drew and Sall were still feeling very anxious about Crisp when they returned to
the Palace of the Immortals.
Was it because of what I said to the talking vixens? wondered Sall. No,
they wouldn't have even dared to snitch.
Drew needed to make plans with her co-presidents Dr. Chi Kit and Admiral Nam
Nimitch concerning which planets to populate when Katrina arrived in the Kappa-
Sun system. The three co-presidents met in a reception room in the palace, and
Kyle took the minutes. Drew was feeling a bit wobbly; she was bearing a
Humatum baby in her womb.
Chi and Drew thought that it would be a good idea to send migrants from Katrina
to Planet Manifold, where there were several indigenous tribes of talking animals,
but which was not densely populated. They thought that Manifold would be ideal
for the Angatums, possibly for the Zebrids, and for some of the Humatum babies
who were born to Atum mothers and human fathers during the next year or so.
However, Admiral Nimitch wanted to colonize Planet Petreus and to exploit
the resident Gentoo. Chi and Drew argued that such old-fashioned colonialism
was not 'part of Katrina's designated mission'. Drew recalled that Ophelia had
told her in a dream to populate Manifold instead of Retreus. She said she was
scared that Ophelia might really be all powerful, powerful enough to have
caused the disintegration of Torus and the subsequent destruction of Katrina's
Seventh Corner because Drew had refused her request to seek the destruction
of the Angatums.
"Stop being so fucking neurotic! " growled Nimitz. "The Gentoo are
ripe for the picking and I intend to turn them into a slave nation whatever
religious faction might see fit to object."
"But their civilisation is over two thousand years old," retorted Chi, "and they're
all accepting towards other species. Don't forget that we're a triumvirate. You'll
need one of our votes and the approval of Parliament to get your way."
"You don't know how much I've got on you shysters!" raged Nimitz. "I could
destroy both of you in a flick of a forefinger. Would you like me to reveal Drew's
dreadful secret to Parliament? They'd publicly shame her and then banish her to
an isolated moon."
"Meeting's over!" shrieked the pregnant co-president, running out of the room.
"You're not even a real Atum," howled Nimitz, as Drew left.
"How dare you!" raged Kyle, throwing the minutes into the air.
"I could destroy you too!" howled Nimitz, and Kyle shook in his boots.
7.4. Into Circular Orbit
Kim Catworthy located Crisp Crispus a couple of days later, stumbling aimlessly
through the rats in the Draughty Wynd, with an injured back, his wings twisted
together, his skin stung to shreds, and blood pouring from his mouth. He scarcely
moved his eyes while Kim was patching him up, and when she took him back to
the palace in a wheelchair, he propelled himself into a corner without uttering a
word. When Drew took him some lentil soup, he began to sob uncontrollably.
But Captain Korchov's pet koala yelped in delight when the orange Kappa-Sun
appeared from behind a pear-shaped cluster of colourful plasteroids; all twenty-
two of its planets were in elliptical orbit, of which Petreus and Manifold were the
largest.
Following political pressure from President Nimisch, Korchov put Katrina
into a circular orbit of Planet Petreus with radius five hundred thousand
kilometres. Both Drew Rainbow and Chi Kit were unhappy about this, but
acquiesced, as co-presidents, primarily because of Nimisch's ongoing threat to
publicly expose Drew's 'dark and terrible secret'.
Meanwhile, Nimisch had created an 'Alpha-Omega' task force, mainly consisting of
militant Eaglids, and of former Novogrian police officers who'd left relinquished
their positions when Kim Catworthy made the special police force more
representative of the various species on Katrina.
Without even telling his co-presidents, Nimisch also arranged for the imprisoned
Living Incarnate Sunny Z1 to be transferred to a secure room in his mansion.
There he consulted with his evil former adversary as to how to best exploit the
Gentoo on Petreus. He supplied Sunny with two wiry Cyclops toy-boys from
the Second Corner Penitentiary to keep her in good humour, and she beat them
raw with a kidney-flagellator before eating their noses and asking for more eyes.
In the meantime, Kyle calculated that, should anybody on Katrina visit Retreus,
then President Punkus and all the Gentoo on the planet would be existing on a
time scale 1.08 Kepler seconds ahead. He based this assertion on the fact that
the president had left Torus following a visit of 100 Strontian days. Chi Kit didn't
understand Kyle's arguments but anyway made appropriate adjustments to the
dials on his Harris-Easterner time compression device, in the hope of ensuring
that the Gentoo and their visitors were able to converse in synchronicity with
each other.
TO BE CONTINUED
Task Force lands in Novgorod with Sunny Frees Splat and Bayesian biologist. from Gento College of Peace and Harmony,
Creates 'Brave New World'.
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