THE GRAND OLIGARCHS OF QINSATORIX
by Thomas Hoskyns Leonard
PRELIMINARY DRAFT VERSION
Adam was still wiping the smile off his face, when Lord Trithagoras rose to his feet.
“Thank you for that heavenly gem, Princess Natasha,” said the High Head Hin, grinning like a Cheshire cat. “It could have come from straight out of the eye of the Oracle of Cyclopsenese herself. We next defer once again to your eternal wisdom by begging you to read us your proposed revised version of The Top Secret Creed of the Oligarchs, while I sprinkle the Holy Water.”
The Princess Natasha stood promptly up, unfurled a sheet of yellow parchment, and read in a shrill voice:
1. We, the noble fifteen, the courageous Knights of Galahad, rooted in Madron and Nineveh, are not here to subvert the decisions of our democratically elected Planet Parliament, but rather to secretively enhance them.
2. By protecting the vested interests of the broad-sense aristocracy, we ensure the stability of our society at large down to the sixth generation.
3. By enhancing Capitalism, we ensure that a vast majority of the co-operative plebeians in the proletariat have the ways and means to maintain their humble life-styles.
4. By enforcing global security, we protect our populations against the animalistic savages, savage animals, terrorists, anarchists, morons, paupers, heretics, homeless travellers, substance abusers, unco-operative intellectuals, Pelimodes, Spherical Splinemen, Apollo frogs, Trinkon lovers, Despoilers of the Orchadeus, and all other sexual and spiritual deviants and predators who destabilise the lives of our hard working Nestorian Christian families.
5. By covertly financing various global and interstellar military operations we give invaluable assistance to our armanents industry, enhance commercial trade, and support the interests of the God-serving Interstellar Eugenics Consortium.
6. By supporting Grossen Pharma and the chemical industries we catalyse the biochemicalisation and subordination of vast swathes of our populations, lest senseless creativity should subsume the stabilising influences of our totalitarian bureaucracies.
7. By creating a steady stream of 'ripples from above', we seek to confuse and frighten all egocentric and subversive elements of our Society who run counter to our ideals, and to create a mutually destructive feeling of group paranoia among them.
8. By seeking interstellar co-operation with the secular and religious authorities on Planet Remus and Planet Earth, we seek to enhance the quality of life of co-operative humanoids and sub-humanoids throughout the known parallel Universes.
9.We come in the name of the one true Messiah himself, with all his physical forms, and in His Holy Name will we live and die.
10. We shall each recite the Blessing of the Saintly Mother Ophelia at sunrise each and every day: 'God bless Qinsatorix, God bless Britain, and may the assorted nefarious rebels, she-devils of South Artica, and sea monsters of Oceania be stricken by thunderbolts from on high and by flesh devouring insectoids from below.'
Perchance my sister's taking the proverbial piss again, pondered Prince Adam, as several drops of Holy Water landed on his face.