LAUREL & HARDY SKETCH
A playlet composed by James L.S Carter, and performed to the Edinburgh Writers Club in rhe Hilton Grosvenor Hotel on Monday 14th May 2018
HAL ROACH PHILIP MICHAELSON
OLIVER HARDY JAMES CARTER
STAN LAUREL TOM LEONARD
PRODUCER:- I’m Hal Roach, owner of this film studio. And now for a slapstick comedy production starring
your very own English thin man, Stan Laurel, and America’s very own fat man, Oliver Hardy after
an unfortunate mishap while they were crossing the bridge over the Potomac River.
OLIVER:- What was all the fussin’ about back there on the bridge, Stanley?
STAN:- Oh, I dunno, Ollie! Don’t get sore!
OLIVER:- This is another fine mess you got me into, isn’ it, Stanley?
STAN:- Yes, you MUST say!
OLIVER:- If ever there was such a hare-brained shejule, I DO say …
STAN:- Yes, you DO say, Ollie!
OLIVER:- Well, thank you for nothing, I MUST say!
STAN:- Don’t get sore, Ollie!
OLIVER:- I most sightiainly do!
STAN:- I didn’t rightly know
OLIVER:- You didn’t rightly know what, Stanley?
STAN:- Why I was crossing the bridge while I was crossing the bridge, Ollie.
OLIVER:- You just didn’t look where you did now, didn’t you , Stanley?
STAN:- You DO say!
OLIVER:- I most sightainly don’t mind if I DO say, Stanley!
STAN:- Oh, Ollie. I dunno…
OLIVER:- You dunno what, Stanley?
STAN:- …if you DO mind.
OLIVER:- Sightainly I mind … Look, we’re jus’ goin’ round n’ round - no ways - in cycles …
cycles and cycles!
STAN:- Dunno if you DO mind, Ollie!
OLIVER:- Don’t be so lily-livered pink with me! “You DO mind!” Don’t be so silly, Stanley!
“You DO mind!” indeed! I’ll give you “You DO mind!”
STAN:- What do you mean by “cycles”, Ollie?
OLIVER:- Cycles and cycles! Goin’ round n’ round … n’ stuff like that.
PRODUCER:- Oliver turns away from Stan as if for someone else’s aid, perhaps the Deity’s.
OLIVER:- I think…
STAN:- You mean we’re going around in circles, Ollie?
OLIVER:- That’s just what I mean, Stanley! Cycles! Like YOU did on the bridge…
STAN:- Just like WE did on the bridge, Ollie?
OLIVER:- Yeah, JUS’ like that!
STAN:- (starts weeping)
OLIVER:- Oh, pull yourself together, Stanley, and act like a man! Put your best foot in front of
your other best foot, and you’re in for a dime in for a dozen … or sumpn like that…
STAN:- (still weeping) Oh, Ollie, I CAN’T! Oh, I CAN’T!
OLIVER:- Humph! That’s what I say to you, Stanley! A big humph!
OLIVER:- Well, let’s think about sumpn else to do then, Stanley! … Like crossin’ the bridge,
STAN:- (still weeping but less so) I CAN’T cross the bridge, Ollie … I CAN’T cross the
OLIVER:- Well, let’s think about sumpn else! (thinks) How about a nice ham n’ jam sandwich,
for instance, Stanley?
STAN:- (recovering completely & instantaneously) I DON’T mind if we DO, Ollie!
OLIVER:- Well, let’s go n’ find us right now some nice jam n’ ham! What do you say, Stanley?
STAN:- (starts weeping again)
OLIVER:- OK! What is it this time, Stanley?
STAN:- (still blubbering) They’re over the bridge, Ollie!
OLIVER:- What’s over the bridge, Stanley?
STAN:- (weeping tumultuously) The ham and jam! (They both laugh).
OLIVER:- (laughing) Well, we’ve both been a right silly pair of silly rascals n’ so n’ so’s, I MUST
STAN:- (laughing tumultuously) Oh, I TOO! I MUST say, Ollie! I do too, I MUST say!
PRODUCER: - And Oliver and Stan retreat merrily around a rotary roundabout without crossing
the bridge. .